


Resigned, Relentless, Released

by anastiel



Series: Supernatural Codas [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Coda, Demon Dean Winchester, Depression, Gen, M/M, Season/Series 10 Spoilers, Self-Hatred, Supernatural Coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-08
Updated: 2014-10-08
Packaged: 2018-02-20 09:15:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2423315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anastiel/pseuds/anastiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A 10x01 coda. " Castiel wants to help Sam find Dean, but the sand in his hourglass is quickly running out and he knows he is going to die. Sam will do anything to find his brother and Dean? Dean doesn't give a fuck about anything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Resigned, Relentless, Released

_“Darkness enveloped us again, and for the first time in years, I welcomed it.”_

_\- Melika Dannese Lux_

Grief hurts, Castiel quickly realizes.  He’s felt grief before when he saw his brothers and sisters fall from the heavens but the grief he feels now is starkly different from that. His pain aches in a deep, all-consuming way, spreading out through the arteries in his heart, to the veins in his arms all the way to the tips of his fingers and toes. He feels so weak, so full of desperation and need. He feels so human.

It’s laughable almost. He used to be one of heaven’s most powerful soldiers and now? Castiel is some half-man, half-angel hybrid who grieves for the loss of the man who was his purpose and wishes for things he knows will never happen. He dreams often now, the human side of him taking over, allowing his mind to wander and dream up fantasy worlds he wishes were real.

Mostly he dreams of stars, sparkling in bright green eyes. A cavalier smile, a few teasing words and a slight hand on his shoulder, beckoning him to come closer.

_“Come on Cas, just kiss me already. I know you wanna.”_

He does, usually. But sometimes when Cas kisses him Dean disappears into a mist, chortling and laughing, mocking him for even thinking about kissing him. Other times, Dean yields to him, kissing him gently yet earnestly. It feels so real, so wonderful and then he awakes. The phantom Dean is gone and Castiel is alone in a cold bed faced with reality.

He’s dying and Dean is gone.

He wishes someone would’ve told him about how love feels, how it feels to be heartbroken. Frankly, he should’ve seen this coming, he’s seen so many humans lose their loved ones over the course of his life, but he never understood their hurt, their pain. Now, he does.

Part of him wants his grace to burn out just so that he doesn’t have to feel pain anymore, but the other part of him, the part that still hopes wants to find Dean. He wants to find Dean and save him.

If that’s the last thing he does in his life, so be it.

_~~_

_“Nature is relentless and unchangeable, and it is indifferent as to whether its hidden reasons and actions are understandable to man or not.” - Galileo_

The demon has been screaming for hours now, with every twist of Sam’s knife she pleads with him, begging him to stop. But he doesn’t.

“Where’s my brother?!” Sam demands, stabbing the knife into her, brutally twisting

She glares at him, panting heavily, “I told you, a hundred fucking times, I DON’T KNOW.”

Sam can smell her blood in the air, metallic and nauseating. He’s sick of her excuses and sick of her lies. If she really doesn’t know then, she’s of no use to him anymore.

“So you really don’t know?”

“No!”

“Hmm, too bad.”

He plunges the demon knife into her heart and watches with smug satisfaction as she flickers and then falls dead on the ground.  ****

This demon marks number one hundred and forty-three that he’s interrogated and killed since Dean’s disappearance. They all know nothing, absolutely fucking nothing. It’s infuriating and only strengthens his resolve to find Dean. Sam cleans off the blood on Ruby’s knife, watching the crimson soak into a ratted towel. He puts his weapons away inside the trunk of his borrowed car and slides into the driver’s seat. Time to move on.

He does move on, ending up at a police office after finding a promising lead. Security footage reveals what he suspected, a demon is possessing his brother. So he calls Crowley, who despite being extremely fucking annoying tells him that Dean is not possessed but that the demon inside him is Dean himself. Sam wants to vomit, he wants to kill Crowley but he wants to vomit first and then find a way to fix this. There has to be a way to cure Dean, Sam won’t stop until he finds one. Dean doesn’t deserve this, no matter what bad decisions he made, he doesn’t deserve to turn into a monster.

Sam _is_ going to save his brother if it’s the last thing he does.

_~~_

_“You see, freedom has a way of destroying things.” - Scott Westerfield_

Dean’s always been one for drinking. Alcohol is fucking great. It burns going down but once it gets into his stomach, the liquid warms him from the inside out. Sure, it makes his head feel a little dizzy, but since he’s a demon he doesn’t have to worry about that anymore. He doesn’t have to worry about anything anymore. ****

This bar he’s holding up at - he doesn’t even know the name of it - is also, fucking great. They have a ton of whiskey, beer and everything Dean has ever wanted to get shitfaced on. They also have great tunes, ones that he can sing to until he gets kicked off the stage, which happens frequently. And the sex? Damn the sex is good. The other day he had a fivesome with Crowley, two girls and this one guy who kept giving him the once over at the bar and it was one of the best nights of his life.

When Dean kills now, it sends a rush through him. He gets high off of killing, it’s addictive. He wants to kill more, to sink his knife into flesh and watch the lights go out of someone’s eyes. He feels powerful, scary powerful as the mark takes him over more and more with every kill.  Dean knows that if he wanted to, he could rule hell, but... that’s not what he wants, not right now.

Right now, he’s living the dream, drinking booze all day long, having sex with whoever he wants and killing people with no regrets. He couldn’t feel more awesome.

Dean really likes howling at the moon, at least for now.

 

******  
**


End file.
